I Wish
by daniebagel
Summary: A songfic/Filk, if there is such thing, to R.Kelly's I Wish. I had to change the words in a lot of places. Disclaimer- I don't own anything, 'cept the storyline, the rest belongs to J.K. and Mr. Kelly. This goes with The Best I Ever Had and Not Shall I Be


I Wish  
  
This a filk/Songfic (Does that work? Well... it does now...) to I wish by R. Kelly. I had to change a lot of the song, because some parts didn't fit, but some do. This goes with They Say Love Conquers everything, The Best I ever had and I Shall Not Pass That Magical Castle This Side Of Springtime.... I'm going through all the couples.  
  
I've done Minerva/ Dylan, so this is R/T, as in Remus and Tara Bones.  
  
********************************************************************************  
  
"Hey Sirius" Harry said, sitting out on the deck with his godfather.  
  
"Hmm?" Sirius answered, shifting on his deck chair, under the hot sun.  
  
"You've told me all these stories about the Marauders... and about all your girlfriends gone wrong... and stuff about my dad. What about Lupin? Did my mom know he was a werewolf?"  
  
"Actually, Lily was the first one to find out... But she didn't admit that until we did. She was always better at logical thinking than us..."  
  
Harry laughed. "No... You guys were too busy thinking up new pranks."  
  
"Yeah, I guess..."  
  
"What about girlfriends... I've had enough of your stories..."  
  
Sirius bowed his head. "Tara. Tara was his only serious girlfriend."  
  
"Was? What happened?"  
  
"She was murdered. By Voldemort."  
  
********************************************************************************  
  
*Rollin' through the room*  
  
Remus came in through the portrait hole, exhausted. He couldn't really remember what had happened last night.  
  
He guessed it was just as well.  
  
But that was the worst part of it. He only remembered little bits, and that was when the others were with him to keep him in check. But they were sick, so- he was alone.  
  
And he couldn't remember a thing.  
  
He sighed and sat down next to the dwindling fire. It was about four thirty in the morning.  
  
He had been lucky this time. Sometimes, it went all night... Sometimes only a couple hours.  
  
He fed the fire and picked up a skewer, sticking a marshmallow on the end. He watched as it turned golden brown.  
  
Sighing, he popped the marshmallow in his mouth and walked over to the couch, flopping down on it. Someone lying there stirred, moaning.  
  
"Oh Sorry. I didn't see you."  
  
"Remus, what are you doing up at this time?" The person asked sitting up.  
  
"Oh, Tara. I was, I don't know... couldn't sleep I guess."  
  
*Just stopped by to say what's up*  
  
"What were you doing sleeping out here when you have a perfectly good bed up in your dorm?"  
  
"I don't know. I was just sitting here, and I guess I fell asleep."  
  
"You going up there now?"  
  
"Naw... I'll think I'll stay here... Won't be able to sleep anyway."  
  
"Me neither." He handed her a skewer. "Care to join me?"  
  
"Mm, marshmallows at four o'clock in the morning. Sounds good to me...."  
  
He laughed and they sat down in front of the fire, roasting marshmallows and whatever else they could find and talking, until the fire finally died, and they fell asleep.  
  
********************************************************************************  
  
"Remus. Remus, wake up!"  
  
"What?" He asked sleepily, sitting up and stretching.  
  
"It's breakfast time." Tara said, helping him up.  
  
"What time is it?"  
  
"About quarter to eight. I'm going up stairs to get dressed. See you at breakfast."  
  
She ran up the stairs, and Remus followed her, turning into his own dormitory. There he found James and Sirius, in the midst of getting changed.  
  
"Madam Pomfrey finally let you guys out?"  
  
James sneezed. "Yeah, but Peter wasn't as lucky. Sorry we couldn't last night.... She was watching us like a hawk."  
  
"I wonder why?" Remus mused. "You guys wouldn't dare to try anything...."  
  
"Must've been a long one... you're just getting in now."  
  
"Naw, short. Over by four."  
  
"Then where have you been?" Sirius asked, tying his shoes.  
  
"In the common room." He said unassumingly, combing his hair.  
  
"With?" James asked, grinning.  
  
"Why do you just assume I was with a girl?"  
  
"Who were you with, Moony?" Sirius asked.  
  
"Tara." Remus admitted, knowing it was useless to say nothing.  
  
James and Sirius looked at each other, eyebrows raised.   
  
"But nothing happened... Honestly, get your mind out of the gutter you guys."  
  
"Sure Moony, sure..."  
  
"We roasted marshmallows, then fell asleep."  
  
"You usually don't fall asleep after you change back." James observed.  
  
"So... I was tired."  
  
"Yeah, from the effort used restraining yourself from making out with her...." Sirius added, laughing.  
  
Remus glared at him. "Padfoot..."  
  
"What? We know you like her," James said, grinning once more.  
  
He shook his head. "Whatever...Come on, breakfast time."  
  
They descended down to the great hall, and sat down at their usual places.  
  
"Good morning" Lily said. She leaned over and kissed James good morning and slipped into the vacant chair between Remus and James.  
  
"What's up with you and Tara asleep in the common room last night..." She whispered in his ear.  
  
"Oh, don't you start on me too... Nothing happened."  
  
"I didn't say anything did. But IS something going to happen?"  
  
"Haven't decided yet...," he said back.  
  
"Come on Remus... What have you got to lose?"  
  
"Uh... Lily, think. What if she finds out?"  
  
"Worry about that later." She said. "Here she comes."  
  
Tara came and sat down next to Sirius, across the table form him. She looked great, as always, Remus observed, her blue eyes sparkling and her curly blond hair, pinned up high, cascading down in ringlets. She smiled at all of them.  
  
"Good morning."  
  
James sneezed. "Yeah, if you could call a dark, gloomy, wet day with me and Sirius sneezing every few minutes, good, sure."  
  
She laughed. "Hey, as long as you don't get me sick, I don't care."  
  
"We'll leave that to someone else..." Sirius sniggered.  
  
Remus glared at him.  
  
"What?" She said.  
  
"Oh, nothing." He answered, still sniggering.  
  
"What do we have first this morning?" Sirius asked. "Please don't tell me that it's potions..."  
  
"Nope." Minerva said, leaning over from where she was sitting on the other side of James. "Transfiguration."  
  
"Thank God. That was the class I did my homework for."  
  
"You know, Sirius, you really should get in the habit of doing it all." Dylan said, his arm draped around Minerva's shoulders.  
  
"Naw. Too much work."  
  
Everyone laughed.  
  
"A classic Sirius answer." Tara said.  
  
"If only his pranks were as predictable. No more pink hair, please," Lily said.  
  
""How 'bout green?" James offered. "Then you'll match my eyes."  
  
"I'll think I'll stick to red, thanks." She said. "Come on, time for class."  
  
They stood up, and went to leave.  
  
Remus grabbed Tara's arm. "Up for another marshmallow roasting session tonight?"  
  
She smiled. "Of course."  
  
"Great. See you in class."  
  
She walked down the hall, and Lily caught his arm.  
  
"See... nothing to it."  
  
"Thanks Lil. Remind never to listen to those idiots," He gestured towards James and Sirius, "when it comes to girls, K?"  
  
"Of course!" She laughed. "Never leave matters like that in incapable hands."  
  
"I still don't get how James got you... after all his other screw ups..."  
  
"He had to get it right sometime, didn't he?" She laughed.  
  
"Yeah... I guess..."  
  
********************************************************************************  
  
Remus stood in front of the tombstone, staring off into space.  
  
*Came to let you know*  
  
He asked the question for the thousandth time.  
  
Why'd he get such a raw deal in life?  
  
First of all, that werewolf thing...  
  
No one wanted anything to do with him.  
  
And then he went to Hogwarts, met friends...  
  
Tara.  
  
He sighed.  
  
But that's were things went wrong.  
  
Tara.  
  
Then Dylan and Carly.  
  
Then Lily and James.  
  
Sirius.  
  
Krista and Frank.  
  
And he was dead broke.  
  
*That your baby ain't doing so tough*  
  
Things were getting better, sure.  
  
But what had happened?  
  
He would never be as happy as he was then.  
  
How he could he forget any of it?  
  
*And even though you passed*  
*Going on many long years*  
  
It's sad. They had all got caught up in this.  
  
And they didn't even know why.  
  
Did he see them all as a threat?  
  
If so... Why?  
  
And why did he get off on killing innocent people?  
  
Why did he murder the one person who loved him, no matter what he was?  
  
*Still waking up late at night crying tears*  
*Just thinking about those days*  
  
A single tear slipped down his cheek as he remembered the first time he had kissed her.  
  
********************************************************************************  
  
"Come on Remus..." Tara whined.  
  
It was late, and the common room was relatively empty, except for a few second years in the corner. Tara and Remus were sitting in front of the fire, playing a game of wizard chess.  
  
"What? I have to make sure I make the right move. It's not my fault it takes me a long time..."  
  
"You're just being careful, so I won't beat you."  
  
"Damn straight." He said. "I finally have some really competition. Sirius, James or Peter couldn't beat me at chess if their lives depended on it."  
  
She laughed. "They don't have any patience, that's why."  
  
"Well, being me, you need patience."  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?" She asked curiously.  
  
"Oh nothing." He said quickly.  
  
"Remus... You know you can trust me..."  
  
*You used to talk to me*  
  
"Nothing, alright?"  
  
"Fine," She said, realizing he wouldn't tell her. "Just move already, would you?"  
  
He moved. "Check mate."  
  
"No way!" She said, looking down at the board.  
  
"Yes way." He said.  
  
"I demand a rematch!" She said in a scandalized voice. "You cheated, distracting me. Tomorrow night."  
  
He stood up. "Fine." She looked at his watch. "It's late."  
  
They walked up the stairs together. He looked down at her, and grabbed her by the arm, kissing her.  
  
Finally, he pulled away, saying,  
  
"I trust you. And I'd love to tell you, but I just don't trust myself..."  
  
And with that, he entered his dorm, leaving her staring after him in awe.  
  
********************************************************************************  
  
Remus pulled on his PJs and prepared to get into bed when a voice stopped him.  
  
"So?"  
  
He looked up and saw Lily standing there, wrapped in a bathrobe.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Well... seen as Tara just walked in our dormitory, half way between cloud nine and confusion... I know you didn't tell her... But-"  
  
"I almost did. I wanted to tell her. I said, being me, you need lots of patience. She got suspicious. I didn't tell her, but I felt very guilty. I don't even know why."  
  
"But you didn't just kiss her because you were guilty." Lily said, sitting down on the bed.  
  
He shook his head. "I said that I trusted her, but I couldn't tell her because I didn't trust myself."  
  
"At least you didn't lie." She said.  
  
"Lie? Far from it, Lil. I was as close to the truth as I could be without telling her I'm a werewolf."  
  
"Do you not trust yourself because of the wolf, or do you not trust yourself because of her?"  
  
He remained silent.  
  
"Remus, if you're going to keep going on with her... She's going to find out eventually. Just like I did. Just like James and Sirius and Peter did. And I think it would be better if you told her before she finds out herself."  
  
"It was just a kiss, Lil."  
  
"It was more than that, Remus. You know that."  
  
He frowned as James, in the bed next to his stirred. "Lil, it that you?"  
  
"Yeah, I just came to say good night."  
  
She kissed Remus on the cheek, and then disappeared behind the curtains of James' bed.  
  
Of course it was more than a kiss.  
  
That was why he felt guilty.  
  
********************************************************************************  
  
Remus crept into the dormitory, nearly shaking with nerves. He pushed aside the curtains and shook the slumbering girl.  
  
"Tara... Tara, wake up."  
  
"What..." She asked sleepily, sitting up and stretching.  
  
"I have to tell you something... Come on..." He wrapped the blanket around her shoulders and grabbed her hand, pulling her out of the dormitory.  
  
"Where are we going?" She asked as they ran out on to the grounds.  
  
"You'll see."  
  
They approached the womping willow.  
  
"What are you doing, Remus?" She asked as he picked up a stick and poked the knot. The tree immediately stopped thrashing and a passageway open up at the foot.  
  
He pulled her down the passageway in silence. Finally, the passageway ended, opening up into a building.  
  
"Remus- this... this is the shrieking shack!"  
  
"I know."  
  
"Why did you bring me here?"  
  
He bowed his head. "Because this place really isn't haunted."  
  
"What are you talking about? Of course it is. What about all the noise?"  
  
"I didn't want you to find out by yourself... before- in case you wouldn't-"  
  
"What, Remus? Didn't want me to find out what?"  
  
"It was me. I was the one who made all that noise."  
  
She took a step back. "What?"  
  
"Tara, I'm- I'm a werewolf."  
  
"What? Remus, that ridiculous, that's crazy, that's-"  
  
He shook his head.  
  
"That was what you were talking about..." She gasped. "You- you're a werewolf?"  
  
He nodded and then turned away so she wouldn't see the tears sliding his cheek.  
  
She made no attempt to approach him, but made none to run either.  
  
She just stood there. In silence.  
  
Finally, she spoke. "How?"  
  
"I was little... I got lost. I met a wolf in the forest- he bit me. They couldn't do anything. I was shunned, no one wanted anything to do with me... Even my own mother seems to be ashamed of me... until Dumbledore gave me a chance." He looked up at her, eyes glistening with tears. "Didn't you ever wonder? I was always sick on full moons... When we fought the Boggart in defense against the dark arts... mine was the moon. Lily figured it out on her own. Same with James and Sirius. Peter was told. They're the only ones who know, aside from the teachers. And- and you..."  
  
She sighed and dropped the blanket from her shoulders and walked forward, arm outstretched. She brushed away the tears from his face, and he shuddered under her touch.  
  
"You didn't choose this. You're- you're scared of it. Maybe if you enjoyed it- it would be different. But- you don't, and I can't hate you for it.... I-I couldn't hate you anyway." She paused. "I don't care..."  
  
She kissed his softly, lips barely brushing against his.  
  
"If you can't trust yourself- let me do it for you..."  
  
He reached for her hand and pulled her up against him, kissing her deeply.  
  
He was fulfilling a hunger.  
  
A human one.  
  
A lust, a need for human emotion, affection.  
  
A need to be loved.  
  
They finally pulled apart, and she rested her forehead against his so that their eyes met.  
  
"Remus, we have classes."  
  
He sighed. "Pity..."  
  
She laughed. "It is, isn't it?"  
  
He gripped her hand and they left the shack, picking up the blanket on the way out.  
  
********************************************************************************  
  
"I'll see you down at breakfast, I have to go get changed." She kissed him goodbye.  
  
"You look fine to me," he offered.  
  
"I'm not going to class in my pajamas, Remus."  
  
"Hey, it was worth a try." He said, entering his dorm.  
  
"Where've you been?" Peter asked as he entered.  
  
"Wait, don't answer that, Moony. I think I already know..."  
  
"Yeah," said James. "And don't bother lying, because we saw you coming up the lawn with her..."  
  
Remus put his hands up in surrender. ""Yes, I was with Tara! But I just kissed her."  
  
"And?" James inquired.  
  
"I told her."  
  
His friends' eyes snapped up in surprise.  
  
"What?" They asked in unison.  
  
"I told her. She knows I'm a werewolf."  
  
"And?" James inquired once more.  
  
Remus smiled the biggest smile they had ever seen grace his face.  
  
"She doesn't care."  
  
Sirius laughed. "And did you kiss her before or after she told you that?"  
  
"Actually, both... I kissed her last night too..."  
  
"Uh, Moony, we're your friends... you're supposed to tell us these things." Sirius said.  
  
"Ha, Padfoot, I gave up on telling you and James things like that a long time ago."  
  
"So you just dump on my girlfriend." James said.  
  
Remus glared at him.  
  
"No, it's because you guys have the biggest mouths this side of the equator."  
  
"Ha ha ha, very funny."  
  
"He does have a point you guys..." Peter added, grinning.  
  
"Wormtail, you're going to live to regret those words..." James said.  
  
"What, you're going to punish him for the truth?" Remus added, laughing.  
  
Sirius and James looked at each other. A look that Peter and Remus knew much too well. Without a second thought, they curtailed it out of there, their friend in hot pursuit.  
  
Remus sprinted down the hall, Peter falling behind. He stole a glance back to see where James and Sirius were, and ran right into Professor Dumbledore.  
  
"Do watch where you're going, Mr. Lupin." He said, grinning.  
  
"Sorry Professor!" He said, bolting off again.  
  
"Morning Professor!" Peter, Sirius and James echoed, narrowly missing him.  
  
"Morning." He said, chuckling.  
  
Ah, to be young.  
  
********************************************************************************  
  
James slipped into the empty chair beside his girlfriend, wrapping his arms around her. He kissed her neck, taking in the sweet, floral smell of her.  
  
"Why do you look so pleased with yourself this morning, Lily-flower?"  
  
She gestured over to where Remus was just sitting down. He bent over and kissed Tara, draping his arm around her.  
  
"That's why."  
  
"Has my gurl been playing matchmaker again?"  
  
"I just helped a little," she said.  
  
"So you were really in our dorm last might to see Remus?" He teased, pretending to sound hurt.  
  
"Yep. You being there was just a bonus."  
  
"A good bonus, though, right?"  
  
"I think, for the sake of your massive ego, that question should go unanswered."  
  
He picked up a handful of dry cereal and threw it at her.  
  
"That's for insulting my gorgeous ego." He said importantly.  
  
"Other parts of you may be gorgeous, but your ego definitely is not."  
  
********************************************************************************  
  
Remus smiled at Tara over his goblet of juice.  
  
*Smilin' while I'm sippin' on this Drink right here*  
  
She smiled back, and then they burst out laughing.  
  
Life was good.  
  
********************************************************************************  
  
The group sat around the fire, laughing and talking.  
  
"How 'bout this." Krista said. "Using his family fortune, James could buy all a huge mansion and we could all live together, somewhere hot, right beside a white sandy beach..."  
  
"Or maybe we could open our own wizarding school." Arabella said. "And be really rich because people paid to get their children in our school' cuz it would be better than Hogwarts."  
  
"I don't think so Bella." Dylan laughed. "And besides, poor Sirius would be out of a job! He doesn't know enough to teach a class."  
  
"He could be the groundkeeper." Tara suggested. "Or the janitor."  
  
"Hey!!!" Sirius said. "Quit picking on me!"  
  
"Yeah, that's me and James' job." Remus said.  
  
*And remember we bragged on how rich we would be*  
  
********************************************************************************  
  
Remus sighed, leaning against the weeping willow that framed the gravesite.  
  
*To feel like back then is just a fantasy*  
  
When was the last time he had laughed like that?  
  
*And now you hear the stories that everyone is tellin'*  
  
Poor old Remus, they would say.  
  
*Oh I can't believe my ears*   
*And what everybody's sayin'*  
  
He took one more glance at the white washed marble and then walked down the path.  
  
*And boy I'll tell you*  
*Folks don't know the half*  
  
He fingers went to his lips.  
  
She was the last woman he had ever kissed.  
  
The last woman he'd ever love.  
  
*I would give it all up*  
  
Weren't they just kids back then?  
  
*Just to take one ride*  
  
Well... they had had to grow up awfully fast.  
  
*With you*  
*How I used to kick it by the lake*  
*With you*  
*And how I used to lay back and relax here*  
*With you*  
*And all the little days and party places we'd go*  
*Now I'm just missing you*  
  
He sank down to the ground, tears streaming down his face.  
  
"Why her?"  
  
*How I wish*  
  
"Why Lily and James?"  
  
*I wish that I could hold you now*  
*I wish that I could touch you now*  
  
"Why did he do this to us? Krista, Frank... All of us..."  
  
He wished so many things could have been done. Maybe if he had been killed instead of Lily and James, Harry would have parents. Maybe if someone had watched Peter.  
  
Maybe.  
  
He wished life was fair.  
  
*I wish that I could talk to you*  
*Be with you somehow*  
  
"Why me?" he yelled, up to the stars and the moon, shining in the twilight.  
  
*I know you're in a better place*  
*Still I can't forget your face*  
  
Oh no.  
  
The full moon.  
  
He began to tremble as the change overcame him. It tore at him, ate at him from the inside.  
  
And he couldn't do a single thing to stop it.  
  
"Tara!" He cried out in pain as he so often did at times like these.  
  
*I know you're smiling down on me*  
*Saying everything's okay*  
  
His final thought, as the change engulfed his mind, was please... Let this be over soon...  
  
Then it came.  
  
The only time he could forget.  
  
*And if I never leave this cheap life*  
*I'll see you again someday*  
*I wish, I wish, I wish*  
*I wish, I wish, I wish*  
  
********************************************************************************  
  
Remus awoke in the early morning, the taste of fresh blood on his lips.  
  
Oh no.  
  
"What did I do, what did I do..."  
  
He prayed it wasn't...  
  
He spotted a small rabbit a few feet off, mangled.  
  
Thank god.  
  
He placed his head in his hands.  
  
Great, Remus. Now you're thankful you killed something.  
  
At least it wasn't human.  
  
How did he get to this point?  
  
*Now ever since this curse has come*  
*Been nothing but stress*  
*Sometimes I wish I could trade in all my years*  
  
Some people say he's lucky to live with the curse. Hey, he survived the attack, didn't he?  
  
*Y'all look at me and say boy you've been blessed*  
*But y'all don't see the inside of my unhappiness*  
*Man I swear this shit gets heavy like a ton*  
  
He stood and walked down the beaten path, trying to clear his mind.  
  
Something difficult if you have blood all over your face.  
  
*That's why you see me runnin' as far as I can get*  
*Hmm I wonder how my friends would treat me now*  
*If they knew I was living it all up like this*  
  
What would Peter do?  
  
He'd probably laugh.  
  
Sirius?  
  
Well, he wasn't in too good shape himself, was he?  
  
James?  
  
He'd be- James. Like he always was. He'd try to help.  
  
He'd make him laugh.  
  
*That's why fake ass peeps get fake ass digits*  
*And fake ass friends get a real friends hatin' em*  
  
It was weird though. No one had really paid attention to him before. I mean, first no one wanted anything to do with him. And then he went to Hogwarts. At first- nothing. Quiet little kid. Shy... Until he met James, Sirius and Peter. James and Sirius came from well-known wizard families... They were popular.  
  
So he was too.  
  
*Everything's all good and y'all ass come around*  
  
But now...  
  
*But y'all don't wanna raise the roof*  
*When my shit is going down*  
  
His close friends were all gone... dead... lost... imprisoned... And the rest of his graduating class, those not so close to him?  
  
Well... Who knows?  
  
*And now you hear my stories that everyone is tellin'*  
*Oh I can't believe my ears And what everybody's sayin'*  
  
Sure. There were probably a lot of people in the world that were worse off than he was.  
  
Starving, homeless, lost, dying.  
  
But what about those living on in blissful ignorance?  
  
*And boy I'll tell you*  
*Folks don't know the half*  
*I would give it all up*  
*Just to take one ride*  
*With you*  
  
********************************************************************************  
  
Tara and Remus sat in front of the fire, in silence. He had his arms wrapped around her waist.  
  
"I have to go soon."  
  
Tara groaned. "I wish you could stay here with me..."  
  
"Me too..."  
  
She turned and kissed him, wrapping her arms around his neck. He kissed her back, not wanting to let go. Finally they pulled apart and Tara smiled weakly.  
  
"Be careful."  
  
He nodded, and kissed her forehead quickly before standing up. Taking one look back, he left the common room to go face himself.  
  
********************************************************************************  
  
*How I used to compete in all them tournaments*  
*With you*  
*And how I used to hang out after midnight*  
*With you*  
  
The phone rang, and Remus stood to get it. He rarely got phone calls, most of his friends were in the wizarding world, but for some reason he kept it.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Remus?" The voice on the other end quivered, quietly.  
  
"Lily? What's wrong?"  
  
"Remus- it's- It's- Tara."  
  
Tara. The tone of Lily's voice reverberated through the silent room, through his mind, as if she had screamed the words.   
  
*I got the call the morning of the tragic end*  
  
"Remus, list-"  
  
He dropped the phone, staring straight ahead.  
  
But her picture was there on the wall.  
  
He closed his eyes, squeezing his eyes shut.  
  
Tara.  
  
He knew he'd never see her again.  
  
*Damn, my condolences*  
*I wish that I could hold you now*  
*I wish that I could touch you now*  
*I wish that I could talk to you*  
*Be with you somehow*  
  
He raised his eyes to the picture on the mantel. All them were in the picture, smiling, laughing...  
  
One down...  
  
*I know you're in a better place*  
*And you know I can see your face*  
*I know you're smiling down on me*  
*Saying everything's okay*  
*And if I never leave this thug life*  
*I'll see you again someday*  
*I wish, I wish, I wish*  
*I wish, I wish, I wish*  
  
********************************************************************************  
  
The sunlight streamed through the stained glass, smearing color throughout the bleak surroundings. The priest's voice droned on, saying things, good things, about a person her barely knew.  
  
I knew her... He thought bitterly. More than anyone else...  
  
And she knew me.  
  
He looked up, for the first time in the whole ceremony, actually paying attention. Lily stood, her eyes wet with tears, before the whole congregation. She didn't say anything of one of her best friends, only said, her voice still clear through her tears, a well known poem:  
  
"Do not stand at my grave and weep;  
I am not there. I do not sleep.  
I am a thousand winds that blow.  
I am the diamond glints on snow.  
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.  
I am the gentle autumn's rain.  
When you awaken in the morning's rush  
Of quiet birds in circled flight.  
I am the soft stars that shine at night.  
Do not stand at my grave and cry;  
I am not there."  
  
Her eyes met his and she looked at him, him alone. And they both remembered the words she had told him, months ago.  
  
*** "What's up with you and Tara asleep in the common room last night..."   
  
"Oh, don't you start on me too... Nothing happened."  
  
"I didn't say anything did. But IS something going to happen?"  
  
"Haven't decided yet..."  
  
"Come on Remus... What have you got to lose?"  
  
"Uh... Lily, think. What if she finds out?"  
  
"Worry about that later." ***  
  
What have you got to lose?  
  
He had lost plenty.  
  
Lily broke her gaze and walked back to her seat next to James. Remus watched her slip her hand into his as James reached up and wiped away her tears.  
  
God he missed her...  
  
Even simple things like that...  
  
*Voices in my head be telling me to come to church*  
*Saying the Lord is the only way for you to stop the hurt*  
*Dreaming of windows black tinted like a hurst*  
  
  
Everyday life seemed so much more difficult than it was with her. Even harder than before he had been with her.  
  
*When waking up to life sometimes seems worst*  
*And all I ever wanted is to be a better man*  
And I try to keep it real with everybody now*  
  
So he worked at what he could. Did what he could. He helped, in secret, the Ministry of Magic. But it never seemed to make a difference.  
  
*For me to save the world I don't understand*  
*How'd I end up in line behind a billion men?*  
  
He fought everyday to stay alive, to do something to help.  
  
Not just for Tara.  
  
For James.  
  
Lily.  
  
Dylan.  
  
Carly.  
  
Sirius.  
  
Krista.  
  
Frank.  
  
All his friends.  
  
*And now you hear the stories that everybody's tellin'*  
*Oh I can't believe my ears And what everybody's sayin'*  
*And boy I'll tell you*  
*Folks don't know the half*  
*I would give it all up*  
*Just to take one ride*  
*With you*  
*How I used to fool around on Friday*  
*With you*  
*And how we'd all go to Hogsmede on Sunday*  
*With you*  
*Standing here throwing them problems at me*   
*Somebody pray for me*  
  
********************************************************************************  
  
Remus slit the letter open curiously, wondering what Albus Dumbledore wanted. He read the letter once.  
  
Remus,  
  
I need your help. The school is in dire need of someone to teach Defense against the Dark Arts. You are one of the few qualified wizards left that I can trust.  
  
Trust. Not many people could say that to a werewolf.  
  
I can understand that you'd be reluctant, but- there is no one else. No one wants the job. Please consider it.  
  
Albus Dumbledore  
  
He sat down, re-reading him. Dumbledore wanted him to teach. Could he so it? Yes, he knew he could do it. He knew enough. But-  
  
Could he really face the school?  
  
The memories?  
  
His eyes flew to the picture on the mantle.  
  
Could he?  
  
He pulled out a quill and some parchment.  
  
Albus,  
  
I would be honored to teach...  
  
********************************************************************************  
  
Remus climbed onto the train. He headed to the back, entering an empty compartment. The students paid him no heed. He remembered, years ago, sitting in this very compartment. With Tara beside him, Lily and James... All of them.  
  
He looked out the window. Various students mulled around, greeting their school friends, laughing.  
  
And then, he saw him. At first he thought he was seeing things- how could it be? He was dead... And then he realized who it was.  
  
Harry.  
  
He looked so much like his father...  
  
Remus sighed. His school years had been the best years of his life. He wished that he could have stayed at Hogwarts forever.  
  
He closed his eyes and dreamed of their last year at Hogwarts, and what it would have been like if Voldemort hadn't torn them all apart.  
  
*I wish that I could hold you now*  
*I wish that I could touch you now*  
*I wish that I could talk to you*  
*Be with you somehow*  
*I know you're in a better place*  
*And you know I can see your face*  
*I know you're smiling down on me*  
*Saying everything's okay*  
*And if I never leave this thug life*  
*I'll see you again someday*  
*I wish, I wish, I wish*  
*I wish, I wish, I wish*  
  



End file.
